The Lounge

Today I want to talk a bit about the most thankless job on the planet, and it may be your job. Years ago, it used to be mine - my kids will be more than happy to confirm this. 

Do you know anyone who thinks it is their job to shape up everybody else? Ask them why they do it, and they will tell you it is only for the good of others.  

You see, they were conditioned to believe that if you don't do things their way, you are doing them the wrong way. They can give you a dozen reasons why. They end up irritated with other people just about all the time and often complain about how overburdened they are.  I call a person like this a "Captain of the World," and it is the most thankless job on the planet. It is very stressful too, because these "Captains" are motivated by fear of what will happen if they don't do certain things and if other people don't do them.

Now, it is important to realize that you are not accountable for other people's behavior and you are not accountable to other people for your own behavior, either, unless you choose to be.

Remember, too, that some rules are necessary, but many others serve only to feed an irrational need to keep something awful from happening. Captains of the World usually pass their compulsions along to their kids and have a terrible time maintaining close relationships.

So, if you are busy trying to shape up your family, your office, or the entire world, consider resigning your position as Captain before you have a full-scale mutiny on your hands. There are better ways to live, and you can find them if you try.

How often do you find yourself feeling irritated by things that other people do? If it is all the time or even every day, you will want to pay attention to what we are going to talk about today.

People who are easily irritated usually blame others for it. But to find the cause - and notice I did not say blame - they need to look inside themselves and not at those around them. Now, irritability can have many causes, but one of the most common causes is too many restrictive zones. In other words, one has too many rigid ideas and rules about right and wrong behavior.

Restricted people believe there is a right way to squeeze the toothpaste tube, a right way to put the dishes in the dishwasher, a right way to do just about everything. They even have all kinds of so-called facts to back them up.

Now, it is not enough that these folks feel compelled to follow these very restrictive and unnecessary rules. They have the same compulsion about other people too. Sometimes others will go along to keep the peace. But often, they will consciously or unconsciously break these needless rules just to drive the compulsive folks crazy.

It is important to become aware of the self-imposed rules we live by and get rid of those that keep us rigidly confined for no important purpose. It is also important that we refrain from imposing our personal standards on others. Why spend your days stressed-out and irritated, wondering why your relationships don't work? Relax! Loosen up! Let go a little! I guarantee, everyone will feel better for it.

I want to ask you a question with far-reaching implications: Would you rather be right or happy? Today, we are going to look at several possible answers.

Some people sacrifice a lot in order to be right, because they think the way to be right is to make other people wrong. They spend a lot of time and effort doing so. Of course, people who are set up to appear wrong or poorly informed aren't crazy about the feeling, so those who make others look bad, also make themselves disliked.

People who need to be right don't take many risks either, and they avoid uncertainty like the plague. Many times they would rather lie than say, "I'm not sure," or "Gee, I don't know."

On the other hand, people who would rather be happy than right, don't care much about how smart they look. They realize that we are all on a learning curve. They know that the best way to help each other grow is to stop competing and start cooperating.

You see, life isn't about showing other people up. It is about helping each other to see. I mean, how much happier are you when you are working with someone toward a goal, than working against someone?

Each of us gets to decide for ourselves what and how much we want to look at, and whether we are willing to give - and accept - help. We also get to choose whether we are going to be right or happy.

Sometimes we can do both. But if you had to pick just one, which choice would it be?

What is the difference between things you need and things you want? For some people, there really isn't a difference.

All of us have legitimate needs. We need to have food to eat, water to drink, air to breathe. But, all too often, when we listen closely to how we talk to ourselves and others, we will hear about all kinds of pressing "needs": "I need to get that promotion."  "I need to sit by the window."  "I need her to call me."  "I need you to stand up for me."

And, most often, we will also hear about the tension and stress that go along with these so-called needs, because, after all, what if we don't get what we need?

It is a sign of real maturity when we can upgrade most of our needs to wants or preferences, and it is a sure-fire way to lower our stress quotient, as well. For example, supposing the status-giving promotion you needed so badly doesn't come through.  You are devastated, right?

But what if you change your thinking from a need to a preference?  Sure, you wanted the recognition that promotion would have brought, but you are not going to drop dead without it, and there are many good things about your present job, too.  Maybe your desire for recognition can be met in some other way. Volunteer work, for instance.

See what I mean? There is a whale of a difference in how you experience life when you make this shift. Try it and see.

If I asked you to tell me what makes life worth living - in a single word - what would your answer be?

During a break at one of my presentations recently, we were having a conversation about what makes life worth living. The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that what makes life worth living can be summed up in a single word. That word is - "You!"

Here is what I mean. Harry Emerson Fosdick wrote about a summer day during his childhood when his mother sent him out to pick a quart of raspberries. "I dragged my feet in rebellion," he said, "and the can was filling very slowly. Then a new idea came to me. Wouldn't it be fun to pick two quarts of raspberries and surprise her!"

"I had such an interesting time picking those two quarts, to the utter amazement of the household, and they never forgot it. But, I have often forgotten the philosophy of it. We can change any situation by changing our attitude toward it.  Nobody ever finds life worth living. One always has to make it worth living."

Each day, we are faced with situations that we didn't plan for, or plan on, but still need to succeed at. How are we going to face them: with a positive, can-do attitude, or are we going to drag our feet and give in to adversity?  We do have choices, and the effects of those choices reverberate through our lives, our families, our co-workers, and to some extent, our communities. 

The kind of life you have is a choice you make, every single day. The success you have in your work is a choice you make every day. Change is a constant in life. How do you deal with change, either face forward and keeping your eye on your goals or getting caught up in the negative and turning away?

Which makes more sense? And what is your choice going to be?

What would it take to make you happy? Think about your answer for a moment, because we have reasons to be happy every day, even if the world around us seems to have come unglued.

Now, I know some of you think that if you only had this or that particular thing you would be happy.  Others believe that if you were only in love with someone wonderful, who loved you back, then you would be happy.  And there are probably still others who believe that if God would work a miracle and cure you or someone you love of an illness, that would make you happy.

But I want to tell you something.  Happiness is a choice you make, not something that does or doesn't happen to you.  You can choose to be happy right now, no matter what you have or don't have.

The first step is gratitude.  If you develop and heighten your powers of appreciation by focusing on the beauty in your life instead of the imperfections, you will be halfway there.  I guarantee that you will see an abundance of beauty in your life, regardless of your surroundings or circumstances, if you will only look for it. You will be adopting the "attitude of gratitude."

Once you can see it - appreciate it!  Not just intellectually - let it give you real joy. You see, the time to be happy is now, the place to be happy is here, and the reasons to be happy are all around you.  So what are you waiting for?

Do you believe you can exert control over your future, or do you feel that you are at the mercy of fate?  There are a lot of folks who feel that their lives, and the world around them, are spinning out of control. Today we are going to talk about how beliefs affect what happens to us.  

The amount of control you believe you have over your life has a great deal to do with what you are willing to try, and therefore it also has a great deal to do with what you accomplish. 

Jungian analyst John Sanford tells about a depressed musician for whom neither therapy nor prayer was helping. One day, the man's car had a flat on the highway, miles from a phone.  At first, he stood staring at the car, paralyzed, realizing it had been years since he had changed a tire.  Although he wasn't sure how to use the jack and other tools, he began to work on the task.  After an hour of sweat and struggle, he finally got the spare tire on. Back in the car, he realized that he was no longer depressed!

This small success showed him the way to approach his larger problems. He clearly had more control over his destiny than he had thought. He could do more than he thought, if only he would try, if only he would believe in himself enough to plunge in and start. He did not need to be perfect and he did not need to have all the answers before he started.  He could take control, and when he did, it felt good.

So if you are feeling helpless and seemingly at the mercy of the ever-changing world around you, take heart and take action - any action you can manage that will get you moving in the direction you want to go.

Have you ever heard it said that the things you see and dislike in others are things you probably dislike about yourself? Today, let's look at this idea in a bit more depth.  

When you see things about other people that you don't like, can it teach you anything about yourself? For instance, if you look at someone and think, "He's angry, and I don't like that," could it be that you don't like it when you, yourself are angry?

If you look at someone and say, "She's really scared. Why doesn't she just do it?" could it be there's something you are scared about that you wish you would just "do"? Suppose you disapprove of smoking but don't smoke yourself, so you wonder how that could be about you. Well, ask yourself, "Why do I disapprove of smoking?" Perhaps it's because smoking is unhealthy. If you look within yourself, you may find that you, too, do things that are unhealthy which trouble you. Or perhaps you may disapprove because you consider smoking inconsiderate, and there are ways that you, too, are inconsiderate.

You see, when we judge others, and if we look within, we will usually find a similar judgment about ourselves. Now, judgments never do any good, but once you understand what you're really doing, you can, if you choose, decide to stop.

So, the next time you disapprove of someone else, take a look within and see what you can learn about yourself.

If you are a parent or grandparent, you know there are plenty of rules for raising kids. Today, I'm going to tell you why ignoring these rules can sometimes be a good idea.

Some years ago, in his book, How to Parent, Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson said that, "Raising a child is a human relationship, and human relationships cannot be reduced to a set of rules."

I agree. Rules are only guidelines, and both you and your child are unique. Each of you is a product of a special combination of genes and environment that has never existed before. What's more, you have a special relationship with each of your children that is different from the relationship of any other two people on this planet.

So, avoid the mistake of trying to fit this relationship into any preconceived idea of what it's "supposed to be" like. Refrain from dogmatically following a set of rules, even when the rules are written by a so-called "expert." And, don't try to force your child to conform to someone else's idea of what she or he should be.

The most important thing you can do for your children or grandchildren is to offer them stability, guidance and support while they explore, and learn to realize, the unique potential self which is unfolding within them.

You can reinforce their efforts to achieve worthwhile goals, you can set reasonable limits, and you can remain flexible. But most of all, you can make sure they know that you recognize and respect them for the goodness that resides within each of them.

The finest professional animal trainers never punish their animals, except as a last resort or to prevent injury. They know that punishment only suppresses undesirable behavior temporarily. Once the punishment is withdrawn, the behavior tends to return.

They also know that punishment teaches their animals to hate and fear them - the last thing a trainer wants. If you've ever watched the "dog whisperer", Cesar Millan, you know what I mean.

It is no different for people. Just think about it: How well do you learn from someone you would much rather avoid? How well do you respond to someone who's trying to get you to do something by threatening or hurting you? How much do you learn under adverse conditions, and how quickly do you forget what you've learned?

Of course, when it comes to children, we need to be realistic. If you have a two-year-old who is too young to reason with and who repeatedly runs out into a busy street, your only alternative may be some form of punishment.

But in a vast majority of situations, we can best teach others by praising their efforts, no matter how faltering or incomplete, and building their confidence, step by step.

For young children, be sure the learning task is within the child's capacity, ignore mistakes, focus on successes, and be patient. In fact, patience goes a long way in most situations. We can goal-set all we want, but some situations we simply have no control over. This is where our resiliency and option thinking abilities come to the forefront.

So, focus on the end result you want, gather your positive self-talk, and let your natural creativity find the answers to the challenges you face. I think you'll be pleased with the results.